Yeah ummm kinda embarressed to say it but I quit taking my meds for like 6 months and suddenly remembered why I needed them. Was unable to sleep for a week and a half and was acting like i was on some kind of man made stimulant. Then I successfully drove my fiane crazy by not letting her sleep. Ended up in a hospital and freaked there. Stayed for 3 days made it home and straightened myself out. So o anyone that thinks bipolar disorder is not a disability think again. I almost got myself ran over during some kind of paranoid delusion that I needed to protect my wife. Funny thing isshe wasnt there! Shes here at home with me and things are going a bit smoother. We're falling back in love like when we first got together. Seems we both got a little lost on the way and somehow some way this breakdown helped me find myself. And in turn she found herself. Breakups arent always permanant and even though we were always together I think we broke up emotionally from each other. Or at leat I did. Now I feel like we're stronger than ever. So heres a shout to bluedance the most beautiful woman in the world and the one that helped me pull through all this crap go through the rabbit hole and exit blunderland. I LOVE YOU!

ok ok ok so im running this mantra in my head dont make political jokes over and over again. but i dont even listen to my mother why in the world would i listen to myself. Strolling through cnns website i saw the shoe thing... everyone knows what im talking about so ill leave it at that. the first obvious ones are "wow this brings a new meaning to getting kicked in the bush" or how about "if you wanted a refund on those i think your going about it the wrong way" maybe a line from austin powers? "who throws a shoe...honsetly?" remeber the kid games we played in elementary? how about "duck duck shoe?" or when the man was picked for the second time because he was a real shoe in? heheh i could go on for days but my cars busted and i have to take the SHOE leather express to the store... have a good one!

umm yeah hello to any and all who show up here either out of curiosity boredom a combination of the two or maybe just accidently clicking on a picture and wondering who is this and how did i get here? take a look around and enjoy. or take a look around and scream at the screen "OH THE HUMANITY MY EYES MY EYES!!!" EITHER WAY SOMEONE IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME HEHEHEHE.

If I could sum up my life existence or anything of the like i guess i could do it in three syllables. frus-tra-tion. do you know how to spell that boys and girls? well let me teach you an easy way.
F= Frantic
R= Reckless
U= Unintentional
S= Stress
T= Trauma
R= Random
A= Agitation
T= Tedious
I= Idiopathic
O= Oppressed
N= Neurotic
Now that i have that over with and since the journal is a place on deviant to rant rave and complain about various issues or what have you let me begin. *pulls out imaginary freudian couch.*
I have been in a state of constant chaos for the better part of a year. If I could find 1 day when disaster didnt strike in one form or another in my life I would be estatic. Some of you know bluedance and she blames herself for my problems more than I would like to admit. When in reality Im just tired of doing the same thing everyday and not being able to do anything about it. I realize that there is mass suffering in the world and I count my blessings that I am not in one of those areas and i dont want to sound like a fool but the way i was raised and the way I am now is conflicting with everything in my inner being. If I could sum it up in one sentance "I am tired of being me." Not the things around me...just me. now I am beginning to sound like one of those over emotional tissue blowers I know. I dont want a different life a different body i just want a different attitude towards both. A better way of functioning and surviving an increasingly more difficult world society. I sometimes find it hard to distinguish if the difficulties lie within me or if the world is going to hell in a handbag. but i think maybe its both. I think that slowly the wayward earth that we inhabit is being flushed down the tubes and as I watch it I become more self distructive to the point of pushing away the ones I love cherish adore whatever the way you want to put it and therefore am making my life difficult and blaming it on outside sources."3rd parties are so much easier to put the weight off on eh?" All the while my life is really not so bad. I have a wonderful woman in my life who loves me and whom i love from the bottom of my heart. I have an incredible family who has and always will be there for me. Im in relatively good health. So wheres the problem? what is the mystery that always seems to be evading me? why is my life so hard? Or at least why am I making it that way.NEUROSIS over and out.

here i am journaling and the journals topic is journals. what is the purpose of a dev journal? let me ask you that. i think it is a conspiracy started by mutated cows to take over the world through datamining of personal information to understand how the human race works so they can get revenge on us and make people burgers and human leather jackets for their intergalactic leaders and eventually farm us on their home planet cowtopia. hehehehe too much caffiene for me.